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April 28th, 2002

This morning I woke up long before the alarm went off. Sunlight was creeping through the curtains, and brilliant blue skies could be seen through the branches of the old oak tree outside my window.

As I waited for the radio alarm to burst into action, I began weighing some concerns in my mind. I guess you could say I was considering that age old question of "purpose." Why are we here, and what is expected of us?

Was I drifting through life, never truly living? Was I taking the easy road wherever possible, doing the minimum, meeting only the requirements for survival? A heavy subject with which to start the day. But it seemed like as good a time as any to reassess my character. Not that I hadn't done it a thousand times before. It seems the human spirit is in constant need of tune-ups.

I reflected briefly on the last few months. Since November, I had been concentrating mostly on goals, motivations, and accomplishments. Some misconceptions had come to light, and, thankfully, were in process of being corrected. The most obvious, perhaps, was my perception of "someday." With a little change of attitude toward it, and a little work, I had very rewarding results (Read about that victory in my January Update). I had even overcome my painful difficulty with procrastination!... Well, almost. Answering email is still suffering a tiny bit of neglect.

This morning, though, I found myself pondering different issues. More questions, and no easy answers. Where did I stand, and what were my real convictions, I asked myself. Sure, anybody can spout grand words about what they believe and where they draw the line. It's easy to boast saintly ideals, but when faced with real-life challenges, how much will those words mean? How much would my words mean?

The day before, during a lazy moment on the computer, I had pulled up ICQ and chatted with my online friends. It had been a long while since I'd had a spare moment to do that, and it had a slightly nostalgic effect.

I was chatting with one friend in particular, catching up on the various events in our lives. There was much to share. Then the conversation took a deeper note. We found ourselves lamenting the entropy of "happiness" and "love" in marriages today. So few people stay married anymore. A few years of bliss followed by painful divorce seems to be the norm. Even second and third marriages don't seem to work.

Then she expressed the opinion that if a marriage was falling apart, and you had done everything you could, then it was ok to walk away and try again. I disagreed heartily. What was the use of marriage if vows meant so little?! What exactly did "until death do us part" mean? Why not just strike those "old fashioned" words and modify to "until it gets unbearable" or "until someone better comes along?!"

The conversation ended awkwardly, each of us firmly expressing opposing beliefs. It seemed a little ridiculous on my part, being that I was only 22, had never been married and could hardly speak on the subject. My friend however, was speaking from experience - the pain of a marriage that was dying.

Nevertheless, I disagreed with her, and in youthful arrogance, I told her so. I also stated that I believed in "waiting" until marriage, and considered "shacking up" a destructive thing to do. Otherwise, what was the point of marriage, anyway? Not surprisingly, we disagreed again, though not as vehemently.

I think both of us were tired and a little annoyed as we said our goodbyes. Now as I mulled it over, a sad smile formed around my mouth. In my zeal to express my opinions, I had probably sounded self-righteous, and, God forbid, maybe a little judgmental from the perspective of my friend who was suffering the harsh realities of a far from perfect world. I let my arm drop on my forehead with a thud. Duh! How inconsiderate of me!

So, I speculated, my words and convictions had withstood the first test. The ability to express them in the face of opposition. But there was a sobering element. I had expressed my opinions, but failed to show Christian compassion.

Add love, compassion and consideration to the list, I made a mental note. It wasn't enough to be strong in one's beliefs. A Christian must see past their own life, and their own pursuits and see the soul in others. After all, is not the second commandment, after love God, to love one's neighbor?

The numbers on the clock turned and the radio switched on. Music interrupted my thoughts and I found myself being forced to change gears. One day at a time, I reminded myself in conclusion. Life isn't about graduating, but learning the lessons along the way.

Now, I can't conclude this update without mentioning some things that happened this month! The picture on the right was taken at an event called Bar Gemels, held at the Silver Creek Falls Camp (Juliana on the left, me on the right). It was an SCA thing with a ships/pirates/treasure theme. It was the first time I had to wear garb for an entire weekend, and decided that if the dresses could survive that, then they could be labeled "comfortable."

As it turned out, I found it very comfortable. The dark woods, the rustic lodges, the amiable people, it didn't take long to feel at home. And though most of the event was spent out of doors (and that's no small matter in early April, on a mildly rainy weekend), I found the atmosphere agreeable. I was thankful for my thick wool cloak and many layers of skirts, however.

Much happened, but in short, many happy memories were made that weekend.

The pictures were taken by Jean-Jacques Lavigne and Rafe Neuton. More photos of the event can be seen on Neuton's website.

Godspeed, until next month!

-Brooke